Here's my back story...

I've been though alot and I feel that I've only posted a summary of what happened to me to shape who I am today... This is my story from 2010: So we just got back from Vegas for our 1st anniversary trip in May with friends and Hubby.  I had not been feeling great most of the trip but nothing to be worried about I had cheated a bunch of times on my Gluten free diet while out there so figured it was that reason. Only now I was having Horrible cramps which was odd because I had thought I had my period just before the trip on the 14th of May... But it was a very light period and had LOT of cramping... So Thursday night I'm double over in pain, heating pad, Ibuprofen like candy all night long... I wake the next morning to find that I'm bleeding... Odd... So I decide to take a pregnancy test just to be certain… It's Positive... Now I'm worried... pain, bleeding etc... I call the Dr and they ask me to come in and take a blood test that morning Friday may 28th. Mean while I head into work let them know I’m going for blood test- very casually.. But mind you I am still in pain… Head back to work after I give blood, driving back in forth, in pain and 3 inch heels... yeah that's how I roll... So I get the call from the Dr Office about the blood work not even an hour after I get back. Not only am I pregnant but my levels of HGC was at the “6 week range” at about 1,500 HCG parts per million for you medical term savvy ladies out there.... I'm really pregnant, oh god, And some background on this I had taken a pregnancy test not even 7 days earlier and it was negative... So they ask me to rush to the Dr Office... So I tell my co-worker that I have to go to the Dr for the blood work results... Trying to keep a level head... Knowing that they think its Ectopic and they are probably going to tell me bad news...
So I go pick A., one of my best friends. Talk to my husband let him know but figure no big deal- They are blowing this out of proportion... So we get the Dr. office again for the 2nd time that day for me, also keep in mind I drove myself to a from work and the Dr's office, picked up A. and my pain level at times was a 7 or 8… I am woman hear me roar... They put me in the exam room and star the internal sonogram.. For you girls that don’t know, it’s not like in the movies with the jelly on your belly and the little thingy that rolls around on top all cute…. No it’s a HUGE “joystick/dildo" that she will pass to you and have you place up you @(%^*$ know what to look around… So the Sonogram tec. is looking around, not saying much just keeps snapping shots- seems quite. Now, I’m not a sonogram tec. by ANY stretch but I could tell there was NOTHING to be seen in my uterus and so could my 14 week Prego friend A. who would squeeze my hand every time I saw a blank screen… The Tec. Looked scared. She proceeded to use the thingy on top of my belly to see what she and I suspected a large object in my left fallopian tube and fluid that was built up in my abdomen... As she is doing that I say.. is it odd the my shoulder has pain....She looked at me terrified and said “I need to get a Dr…. Okay? They have to read the results.” Had it been good news I bet she would have told me then. The Dr walks into the room wheeling a laptop and says to me we are going to have to rush you to surgery your right Fallopian tube has ruptured and she is going have to surgically remove it, and I would be transported to the hospital by Ambulance because the “fluid” around my ribs and uterus is blood.. I’m bleeding internally… That when the tears and my irrational emotions started. I guess they were rationalized by the fact I was going into surgery but how could I mourn something I had only the morning to grasp, the pregnancy… I guess that’s what makes me a women, I wanted that Egg to be a baby so badly and to keep my reproductive organs as much in tack as possible. And to give you even more background, my husband and I have been TTC for almost 9 months, we were told that it could take year because I have Endometriosis,  so to have something that we thought would take for every be taken away so quickly… yeah I was sad.
So the EMT paramedics arrive and they pull in to the TINY Sonogram room and I was previously spread eagle on the table… they were nice enough to cover me with the “paper dress” so I wasn’t completely naked… But I looked at the young one that told me that he was going to move me to the stretcher and say “I am naked… and I really don’t want to be…” I say this in between sobs… he smiles and wrapped me in a blanket and turned his head and lifted me on. The ride, this was very odd… I felt like I was inconveniencing the ambulance workers- don’t get me wrong they were very nice they tried to make me comfortable as possible, I know it’s there jobs but the fact that I felt fine enough to drive there, I just thought well why can’t I drive out…myself.. they were probably thinking that same thing.. what could be wrong with her she seems fine... they had to put the O2 mask on- which after my sobs subsided a little I asked them to remove.. I could see the $$ signs on every little thing they did...It's not that I wanted this... don't Judge me!
So they roll me to trauma and They explain everything again while I'm sobbing again - I hate crying in front of people let alone while I'm half naked on a gurney... So Adam makes it there and my mom and M. (Hubby's best bud) happened to be calling Adam right after I told Hubby to come to the hospital.. So M. drove Hubby(Thank GOD!) Adam was sooo strong for me but I could tell he was really shook up... I mean I could barley stop crying and he was just rubbing my hands and back the entire time and kissing me... So they did the surgery removed my fallopian tube and I've now almost completely recovered... I'm still healing mentally... I mean we got pregnant and we were told it would take a lot of time...

Broken...

Saturday was a horrible day... After pumping $300 into a normal vet appointment... what happens.. On the way home I stop to get my little pup a new Tag for his collar and he trips just right and the big other doggie falls on him and he breaks his little leg! $300 more later we find out that he will be needing surgery... to the tune of an additional $1,400....... Now we are quite sure he is the most expensive dog we ever had....
Broken and so distracted... trying to keep my self together... Poor little guy... we pick him up today and thankfully making our family back together... we miss him so....
Sorry if Post are few and far between... trying is the last thing on my mind... Hubby has been a great support and we both needed each other, thank goodness for him.... dispite this horrible experiance which I will NEVER live through again, it brough us closer together, you know that feeling that someone is with you... he was WITH me and all we wanted was for our pup to be better...

Can't wait for tomorrow...

Hubby got offered a new job yesterday... It's good news, not big pay increase, but a better job, one he can be happier at work, Finally! So much better to have him home on Saturdays & Sundays for the first time in almost 10 years... WOW! Can't wait for tomorrow's meeting between his new boss and him and get his thing official! Something good to think about in the wake of a sea of bad news lately.

Hoping this summer doesn't end, I think that I am going to try to take an week off in August maybe even with the hubby before he starts his new job...

My Heart goes out today...

Terrible news, I just was told a friend is having an ectopic pregnancy... I would not wish this horrible fate on my worst enemy... I can imagine the pain, I have been there before. Her journey has been really long and hard at this point, so I could not even begin to compare but be there to support her in her...

Dear S,
Your strength is so pure and raw. I know that right now seems like you are in the depths of dispare and you cannot see the light but it's coming though... Little by little... Just hold tight to your dreams and you will be a mother one day very soon, I know this. Just like I know I will be a mother too...

Something so simple as a name and status change in our lives has been come so complex and stressful can only mean that it's just that more much worth it and well deserved... We are strong, we can handle this, we learn from everything... the lesson here my not be clear right now, but in time it will be chrystal clear. Maybe it will be in the form teaching someone or helping someone through it... I never know when the lesson will be learned...

You will get though this and you will try again... You can I know it.

My Heart goes out to you....
Love,
A
xoxox

Listening to my own music

I feel like I can obsess about dates and time and when and where to do it…etc… That was the one thing my sensitive hubby said to me about at this fertility shit -he couldn’t handle that…. So I’m mentally trying to wipe the date of my last period out of my mind so I can maybe try something that worked last time which is Spontaneity… I know that I am Already contradicting myself by predicting my spontaneous hopes of miss conception but I’m going to move on and hope for the best. I can go about this next cycle in Bliss of the unknown: love making when we feel like it, no testing, no speculation, no checking my cervix, no nothing… besides listening to my body and making love to my hubby… He is right, I am making myself a little bit more crazy each month by month that I try so hard… So here’s to NOT trying! Cheers! And to celebrate last night we bought 2 Four packs of Bartles and Jaymes wines coolers, snuck up to my camp on the lake, made love and watch cheesy movies and lived it up like freshman year of college… it was great! I needed some one on one time with my man… Check got it!

Oh another note I did help a friend who just found out this week that she was miscarrying – granted she wasn’t trying and did not want any more children but it was still scary and I was able to support her and give her feedback, sort of feels good to have some purpose!

But I write this to help others… I hope it has helps just 1 person because I know this has helped me.

Here I am again... waiting... wishing

I am now in the "I think my period will come today" Phase.... yet nothing today.... and I did pee on stick against my better judgment of trying not to do that every time! I really am trying not to... Harder then it looks... I have a fear that I'll just have another ectopic and not know again... I just heard a friend had one this past weekend... so scary. But the answer to the burning question which the answer seem obvious to me is: Negative... Could be too early but it's doubtful anything came of "trying" this time.... I'm so frustrated by my Hubby's inability to preform when I need him to.... when I am ovulating he seems to be interested in anything to do with sex.... it's like he knows it will make a baby and trys to avoid it... it's really frustrating! So we talked about... I explained the obvious to him... ummmm I cannot do this with out you... I need you... Etc... He understood... then said he feels like he's just making babies and not making love... I tried to down play this... we are still making love but when I need to make babies too sometimes love making is 2nd and it evolves to that but I tell him that I'm pretty in tune with my body and I know when stuffs happening... and he needs to understand, I love him and I want to make love to him, but sometimes love needs to happen at a certain time to make babies... then he said something that surprised me... He says: well let do it now, I'm willing to make a donation and smiles... I said babe you missed that boat about 2 weeks ago... he said no... I tried to explain the whole eggs get released in 24hr period and you have about a 2 day window, really, but he wasn't buying it... so I told fine you look it up and then tell me what you find out... I cannot get pregnant from you and your Donation at this point, I'm 3 days away from my period... it's impossible... and they way we are having sex is impossible too.... He said he would try to get better at it... he just didn't want to be a object... I told him he needed to just do me more... everything is fine I feel like we both got alot out the convo and he's aparently now schooled on the ways of my womeness... we shall see... Timing was not good this month... doubtful anything will happen... I want a time machine and turn back time to when it was easy and I didn't have any fear....