Fall(ing)....

I find myself in disbelief that after what 3 years of hell that someone close to me could be upset with me because I'm not over the moon excited for them again for the 3 rd time......yes you heard me upset because I didn't get all excited, call her and tell her how happy I am that she has had now three children in the time I have lost 4... so insensitive of me....yes my SIL actually told this to my mother in law and then passively aggressively told my close friend and my BIL girlfriend V that she could not understand why I can be happy for my friends babies and not SIL's - here's a thought maybe its because my friends are supportive!!!!???? V told her that its a wonder how I make it through the week, year or day with what she had Been through - she told her some other choice phases and yet still MIL didn't get it. She watched our dogs this weekend, we went to a concert, Journey (it was amazing) and we were just trying to visit and she kept trying to tell me about one of her nieces (who is 20 years old) just gave birth to a 8 Lbs baby boy, she kept bringing it up and asking if I had seen the photo on facebook - then she asked hubby (her son) he said no he hadn't seen the baby but he wasn't interested in seeing him either - then she asked again ... ugggh she just wanted me too be happy for them and prove that I'm unhappy for just SIL I know it....
I O-ed this weekend at some point we were off this month but we tired - got a cold at the concert Journey this weekend - didn't help that it was in 40 degree weather and it was raining ... perfect storm for a cold - officially 26 days unroll surgery - Dr didn't want id to prevent which I thought was odd but I guess if I did get prego then I wouldn't need the surgery, right? And I think I would O the weekend right after my surgery .... I'll have to do some research on if its safe to O and conceive after surgery .... oh well 2013 you are my year I know it ....

Phew.....

Cycle came right on time, 30 days,  no pregnancy this cycle. And honestly I am a little glad, I know that sounds completely odd with everything I have been through this year. A year ago today  I was getting the results to my 2nd beta and it was spectacular. I was over the moon. The next time I get pregnant I want it to be unmarred by past events, I want it to be it's own time. I don't want to repeat anything I have done.

With that said I find myself oddly in the same time again. This time it's October 25th that I am repeating with surgery...

My D&C was October 25th 2011.
Now I'm having Endometriosis Laparoscopy on October 25th, 2012

It is different this time....because:
1) it's on my terms
2) I'm in a different space then I was a year ago
3) I need this, endomoeteriosis is not something to mess with and might be a reason I am not getting pregers
4) This is with my New Dr, who I love, and I've been told she great at this
5) My Dr is going to the HSG test while I'm under and the Saline test too...3 birds with 1 stone... yes.please.
6) It will do me no harm
7) it buys me more time to try with out endo retuning
8) Can't think of any reason not to...
9) I'm not pregannt yet, it's been a year, let's go inside a see what's going on with me...
10) ...... running out of reason, but It's scheduled, I'm going!

We are in a constant battle for times that can and will repeat themselves due to circumstances out of our control, but one can only hope and pray that one would not repeat the events of last year.

A friend of mine IRL who had lost about a year after first I did - then lost 2 more babies this past year. Just shared amazing news, she's pregnant with a baby boy at 16 weeks! - it's crazy but they could tell the sex that early, we all laughed and congratulated the father, complementing his child on his giant male parts that were visible in a sono this early! She is still having some bleeding - they say it's due to small clots but nothing causing harm to her and or the baby. But never the less they are watching her like a Hawk. She just stopped taking progesterone this week and is doing great!

sadness.....100th Post

I have very sad news, my friend, Steph, has lost her precious baby at 9 weeks. It is so hard to say good bye to someone you have been caring and protecting for weeks, months but no matter how much time as past, that is your baby, and that loss is nothing to be taken lightly.... My heart goes out to her....So Please visit my friend Steph and give her your support and love...

I cannot think of a better way to celebrate my 100th post then to ask for support for my friend and fellow blogger...Please think of her today, her D&C is at Noon Pacific time today. She will need our support now more then ever as she recovers and heals.

Steph- xoxox my dear, we all love you dearly....

Perhaps we can all light a candle tonight for her and for others who have lost... And think thoughts of healing, comfort and love....

Thank you,
Ali