Merry everything........

Well.... yeah, the Holidays, I got through them, slightly unscathed.  Only had one meltdown. Reasonable I think... I didn't think I could handle seeing my SIL's prego belly... I had a little cry by myself, thinking always an Auntie, never a Mum.... That really tipped me over the edge... I recovered, Hubs got home and we watch movies and I tried to forget about the whole thing... this was on the 20th, Thursday...

Then the 21st - Friday, I get a phone call from the Dr's office and I am genetically prefect, no issues! My DNA is good, on to Hubby, waiting on his results....

So I decided to run over to my mum's work Friday and see her (she works at a school close by my work). I head down to the school and I've got my blinker on to pull down a side street to park and BAM!! The kid behind me hit my rear passenger bumper. Really nice kid, sweet really...We wait for the police to check the damages and make a report... fun times. Did call my mum to tell her the happy news and the unhappy news that I was sitting out front of her school with a busted bumper...

As the day progresses after the accident, my nose is getting more stuffed up and a cough is developing..... really?! So I started the theraflu, Vite-C, emergency and anything else I can get in me.... By 3pm I'm toast... Sore, running nose, coughing a storm - Full Cold Swing mode... YUCK. And to top this day off  we are suppose to go to dinner with my BIL and his girlfriend to the local 5 start restaurant that we have also always wanted to go to..... I have to cancel.... But we reschedule for the 4th to go, and everyone has been instructed to be Healthy! ha.....

Then Sunday the 23rd had an amazing Bunch at a really wonderful Mexican restaurant in my town, with a friend for her birthday. It was nice, we shopped and ran around town got something last min done. And we decided to check out this new Flea market in downtown, in the back bay area, which is normally sketchy but they have "cleaned" it up a bit.... So we go in, totally Hipster town.... We walk about the place totally over priced... I can go Antiquing and find the same old items for so much less around in the shops in the suburbs... So we check out the entire place, finding nothing worth evening buying, we head out to the car... Well as we are waling to the car we see a Cooper Mini, which I love... It was the contents of the car that we did not love... out pours the 2 most Hipsters or hipsters... picture this..... The Women: Tall, dark hair, thin, with leather coat, BIG sun glasses, retro outfit, and the best part a HUGE furry Russian style black fur hat... Then the guy- He is wearing a old style bomber coat with fur trim, BIG retro sunglasses, BIG gold chain around his neck, bowling shoes, which what might have been tux pants.... My Friend and I just stare at them in disbelief that they were really dressed that way for reals!? We get in the car and BUST out! Bhahahahahah!

Let me clarify- It's okay to be retro and recycling but to be a "hipster" is COMPLETELY different, and Hipsters in Maine are funny, they can either dress like the LL Bean category cir. 1979 or they dress like a thrift store threw up on them like a scene Sabotage music video from the Beastie Boys....They also only do things to be "cool" or as they like to look uncool... It's so odd, if  mustaches are in, they will all have one, if wearing your panties on the outside was in, they would all do it.... Lets just say it's fun to laugh at what they decide to wear. And it's evening funnier because they tend to hang out with other hipsters, so we (my friends and I) call them "hip-packs"... They will migrate to all the best bars, and dives that I love and wreck them for the rest of us... They drink there PBR tall boys and because they think it's cool, or anything else severed in a different container... It's hilarious, you will not spot them in your city... it's fun.

On Christmas Eve.... My favorite day, we go to my uncles and play games and have a good time and exchange gifts, it's a good time. Well I'm busy trying to get things done for that evening and my bother calls me from my mum's house. I assumed he was calling to let me know that they were on there way to get me, we were going to car pool together and then Hubs was meeting me there later... And my Cold seemed to be on it's way out, so I was feeling good.....

Nope he was dropping a bomb on me.... His girlfriend is pregnant, no idea how far along - no idea when due nothing, didn't want to know and honstestly he knows that, he actually wasn't trying to tell me today but he was checking on me, he was worried, and I pulled it out of him... I knew that was what was going on... So here's the kicker, they are both out of work, she already has a 3 y.o, and my Bro has testicular cancer about 6 years ago, they told him he was sterile.... Figures...

WTF.... Merry Effing Christmas.....

Oh on top of this and I ovulated, figures and we were trying to protect, and NOT trying- I wasn't suppose to ovulating but we were dumb and thought I could avoid it..... figures..... Fffffffffff........

And triple on top of all of that, yesterday on Christmas Morning, we were heading out, in our Subaru.... and it was icy and snowing, actually very pretty.... But dangerous but subie can do it... not so much..... and thus we slid across the intersection, not hitting anyone but slammed into the curb with our tire... Awesome... So I walked the 500 yards to our house, called the the tow, and got my other subie and packed the dogs, presents and other food items into my car and we waiting an hour for the tow, really nice man arrived, we tipped him an extra $10 for the pain of fishing us out of the sidewalk and went on our merry way... he actually was the one that made us feel better, he looked at the damage and thought it was in the $300 range to fix.... well that's not terrible... Merry Effing Christmas.....We did recover from it, and Hubs and I were laughing about it in the end, and out family was like: "can you guys have an uneventful next year? Please?"...
I say to that YES!!!!!
2013 will be easy, wonderful and not big mishaps!

Here's is what I know....

The baby was a boy.... yeah that was like a punch to the gut.... and it died due to Trisomy +12, which means that it has 47 chromosomes and not the normal 46 and the extra part of one was on the 12th one. There are many different variations of the Trisomy 12 - there's a p and n but it's straight up Trisomy 12 for me, it means that there would be no possible way for life. Awesome. No idea if this is answer but it feels like it is. There is nothing to be found on this one, everything I find it on Trisomy 13, 18, 21 and 22.... Not the RARE Trisomy 12 that my baby had.... again more awesomeness.

To my Dr. Google Scholars... help... Find me someone that went on to have a normal baby after this shit and had no issues... I need some answers.... we cannot afford genetic counseling - just not for us right now... We are lost... I have almost search to the end of google.. but I want a success story... I need this...

We are testing my blood and hubs blood to see if either is a factor to make this happen... or both.... praying neither... but we shall see.

Dr is also running a bloods panel... hopping that maybe that is the cause of the other misses and this was a fluke..... I could only be so lucky.....

Arcuate sloped Uterus with multi focal adenomyosis

In other words, congratulations, you have a normal-ish uterus which should be capable to sustaining life.... awesome then why am I not...!?

What is it?
Adenomyosis- adeno- (meaning gland), myo- (meaning muscle), and -osis (meaning condition). Previously named as endometriosis interna, adenomyosis actually differs from endometriosis and these two disease entities are found together in only 10% of the cases 
- And I have both....awesome love 10%...
Causes-
The cause of adenomyosis is unknown, although it has been associated with any sort of uterine trauma that may break the barrier between the endometrium and myometrium, such as a caesarean section, tubal ligation, pregnancy termination, and any pregnancy. It can be linked with endometriosis.^[5]
Some say that the reason adenomyosis is common in women between the ages of 35 and 50 is because it is between these ages that women have an excess of estrogen (Estrogen Dominance). Near the age of 35, women typically cease to create as much natural progesterone, which counters the effects of estrogen. After the age of 50, due to menopause, women do not create as much estrogen.
 the rest of the treatment and suggestions are here:
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Adenomyosis

Arcuate uterus-
http://en.wikipedia.org/wiki/Arcuate_uterus
Nothing to see here but there is no connection with this type of uterus and losses... awesome again!


This means no septum, no surgery which is good but that does make up for the fact that I am no able to keep anything in that capable space.... clearly... I meet with the Dr still to talk about these results Monday.

So that happen yesterday... I was a bit of a blubbering mess yesterday, my co-worker who now know how many losses we are up to openly and know how hard I actually have had a go at this, know now too because I could not hold back the tears about the bad news, nothing wrong with you.... The all tried to help me see the bright side, which sort of was sweet but made me cry harder.... Yeah the bright side is not visible yet.... Let you know when I see it coming...

Today I am better but I need answers. I have to have them.

I am going to request the full enchilada of test... All of them, I need that at least, drain me of my blood, do them all....

Also I'm sick of hearing: "It will happen when you least expect it....."  my response: "F.U."

Holidays.... sigh...

Today I would be 10 weeks...... today would mean telling family and friends closest to us, today would mean so much.... Sadly we are not in that place...Oh well...

Moving On.

I got back my Microbiology test back, I received a 85! I had really thought there was no way I would get anything higher then a 70 seeing the class average was an 80! Wahoo! Now there is no way I'm not getting an A! Makes my day to have my hard work pay off, and knowing that this class which I feel is my achilles heal is actually my best class really helps boost my mood.

Today I do not feel like working... I feel like making Christmas gifts, listening to Christmas music, getting ready to decorate the tree tomorrow... I'm in full  Christmas mood, which is very much the old me, the me that I forgot last year. I didn't even get a tree last year until the 3rd week in December, yes I know Christmas is on the 3rd week... yeah I was slightly a Grinch... But I still created a slide show for my family of our camping trip that summer and a cook book with recipes... I pulled it together...And drank a lot.... This year I actually made gifts this summer, fall and winter for everyone. This year I made Pickles- Sour Mustard, Apple Butter, Homemade Kahlua. I am trying to come up with other ideas.... I want something to put all the goodies into too, but I don't want to spend money, I think I can sew something crafty, maybe even a reusable bag.... I've got plenty of fabric odds... Going to make labels for all the food items...It will be fun to see people look through the gift, I love the giving part..... it's my favorite!

As for my Tree, poor hubs... He loves (lots of) colors and lights, flashy anything, if it's shiny, yup he loves it.... Well this year I'm getting my dream tree: white soft lights, cream/tan with Blue and green accents and Burlap- VINTAGE... I want to have a decorative tree, I want the tree that ends up on pintress... I don't have kids, yet, we have very little in the sentimental department for ornaments... - I'm doing it! Will post Photos once completed... Hopefully this weekend!

Monday Dec 3rd we have our follow up apt, hoping that there is nothing bad to report from the fetal tissue extracted... I know its terrible, But I want the issue to be a septum so badly... then it's fixable, my night mare would be slightly or close to over... Oh and JUST got a Phone call, my MRI is FRIDAY!!!!!!! at 3:30 SO great, because then I can talk with the Dr on Dec 3rd about the GAME PLAN! I'm really Pumped!

D&C today...

I'm sad but I know that this will help us get on the right track.

We needed to have a loss with this Dr, she needed to be able to do what she does best, investigate... I needed her...

I started bleeding this morning, lightly then it has slowly increased, along with some pretty strong pain, not as bad as it had been the night I naturally miscarried, but getting there, I would suspect that I would have let go but the potential for left over tissues too much of a worry for me.... D&C plans continue.

My heart aches not to be celebrating my 8 or 9th week right now....

Have you ever seen the move Sliding Doors... Gwyneth Paltrow is in it, well she plays a women who has a lying (ugly), cheating Boyfriend who doesn't work and is sleeping with her boss... Well in one version she finds him in bed with the other women, and breaks up with him - finds an amazing man... etc...... Then in the other version she doesn't find out right away but then loses her job, life falls to shit.... But the ending this the best part, won't revel it - but there is some sadness for you miscarriage/loss ladies out there... but the story reminds me of my life... would I be a mother on my over version of life, are my hubby and I planning Christmas with our kids... What's on the other side of my story... What would have happened if I did continue to hear a heartbeat.... See the baby's arms and legs... and delivered.... Where would I be..... I know that I am all the stronger now but wouldn't that have been nice to have blissfully been parents after the ectopic.... I'd have a baby..... Ugh........  Not a D&C..... crap.

To tired, crampy, hungry to finish my thought.... Surgery at 4pm this afternoon! I have to wait a million years to eat..... Starving.....

tired of all this but I have a plan ...

So my Dr has a game plan, I love that she is taking charge and it’s really not sitting well with her, I cannot imagine this sitting well with anyone. But she was quite shaken by it, I could tell that she was truly sincerely sad for me and my loss, which is very comforting. My husband said it best: “it’s because this is more than a job to her –she lives breaths and loves helping others…” And today while telling a friend about my experience this week,she asked who my Dr was and I say Dr. R and she was very please and told me that she was very highly recommended. And had helped friends of ours after they lost 3 times…. Good to know! So I have so much more hope that this is it, I’m not going down this road again…. We have a plan…

And Here it is:

1 st - D&C either Thursday or Friday this week…. Some sort of testing for the Fetal tissue… See if the baby was okay or not… And Lots of Blood test, Vit D and a full panel of fun stuff.

2 nd –MRI

She wants to look at my uterus more carefully, Although I was diagnosed with a Bicornuate uterus in 2011 after a Histosolinapinagram- (dye study with X-ray-usually just used to check if your tubes are blocked- mine was see the shape of the uterus which looked like a Bunny) which is not the only test they should book, should have done an MRI and that to confirm…. Commonly missed as actually a Sepitate /Septum uterus- MRI is the only way to really confirm that… So she wants to REALLY look at that! the reason she is questioning because I have had to laparoscopies and no one has noted my uterus to be shaped funny from the outside… if I had a true Bicornuate –it would have a dip in the middle, not the case with me, it looks normal. So the dip or septum is only on the inside of my uterus, and a septum usually has VERY poor blood flow if any Because that is a major cause of reoccurring miscarriages and would explain the ectopic and the reason I see a Heartbeat and it stop growing.. it could be due to the lack of bl worriood flow, I never thought of this, I almost always just assumed my uterus was Bicornuate, not septum.. But my best friend and family cousin has one removed last year… and it was odd that I was able to help her through that and now she is helping me through this…

3 rd –Depending on the outcome of the said Blood work and MRI –we will do Surgery to my uterus to remove a Septum.. HOPEFULLY this is the reason…

4 th but not in this exact order, we will do a saline ultrasound to make sure that she got all the fetal tissue from the D&C, she wants to make sure that she can get everything while my Deductable is met this year… So she will do the Septum surgery and the d&c correction if needed at the same time.

5 th and if nothing shows up at all this year, if I’m not septum, no issues with dna from the fetal tissue and no issues with the blood work… we will do Karyotyping on Hubs and I to see if there is something else going on…

I find myself a little sad tonight ... started spotting and I'm in pain, I'm just

nothing left to say.... or write

No heartbeat....

I'll write more later just not able to think clearly at the moment ... cannot believe we are here again... for the 7th time...

Liebster Award nomination... and news about the U/S

So A very wonderful fellow blog has honored me with a nomination for the Liebster Award.
Amanda at amgreavu.blogspot.com 
here is a little Blurb on the award:
The Liebster Blog Award is given to up-and-coming bloggers with less than 200 followers, and nominated by fellow bloggers. Liebster is a German word meaning sweetest, kindest, nicest, dearest, beloved, lovely, kind, pleasant, valued, cute, endearing and welcome.

I love that this is a pay-it-forward kind of award, kindness brings kindness... Love this!!

So Miss Amanda has 11 questions for me and here they are!

1. Why did you start blogging?

I was looking for answers after my ectopic pregnancy and my miscarriage, and I stumbled upon Sometimes, steph’s blog, I read her first entry which was about the same time that I had found it, I wrote to her and decided to start my own blog about my struggles. We have become dear friends, although we have never met, I’m convinced that I did know her in another life, she is a true Kindred spirit.

2. What's your biggest pet peeve?

Well, it’s sneezing, I hate when I do, other don’t really bother me, but I have horrible allergies and I sneeze all the time….. I dislike it.

3. If you were a crayon, what color would you be?

Raw Umber- I always loved the name, and the color brown, it seemed to be the perfect brown for coloring the ground when I was little, It always reminds me of my mum, she loves Raw Umber, and I think that I’m in a state of Raw Umber with this whole IF process, it’s raw and Um a pain….

4. If you could travel anywhere, where would you go?

Paris, but mostly France in general….. I want to see the countryside and the wine country…. I want to see the effile tower, the Louvre, Le Metro, Mount Saint Michelle, everything…. I want to be there with my hubby and spend the day sitting drinking coffee and take photos….

5. What's your favorite book?

Best Loved Doll, I know it’s a children’s book but if you knew how many times I took this book out at the library at my elementary school, you would know that it was my favorite book. It’s all about a doll that is not as pretty as the other dolls or does anything special but she is loved all the same, and her tattered look is because she was so loved. I love the message it sends and how it made me fell when I was little and now as an adult.

6. What is the quirkiest thing about you?

Um, I’m pretty regular person, I don’t know…. This is a really hard one, I guess that I am really a geek, I love star trek, star wars and even named my doggy Yoda…… I guess that’s my geek side that I love and Hubby brings it out in me.

7. If dreams always came true, how many kids would you want?

Just 2, I would love to have 1 but if 2 were possible, a sibling for my one would be amazing….

8. What is your greatest vice?

Watching movies, I can get sucked into especially anything Jane Austin related….

9. What is your favorite thing about your husband?

      He’s my best friend, we can chat like caddy girls, or talk about big decisions, we have fun….

10. What is your happiest childhood memory?

Life at my camp on the lake in Maine, I loved my memories there, playing in the water until I was blue, running and jumping off the dock, having jumping contests, making the front porch on the camp into our apartment- playing house – keeping the other cousin and siblings out, my best friend and I, who is also my cousin. Finding leaves in the fall and spray them with gold and silver paint to make decorations for the winter, skating on the lake in the winter, having to pee in the snow bank because camp is close for the winter… so much fun. And Thinking about my children someday getting to experience this too… Love this!

11. If you could live anywhere in the world, where would you be?

Right where I am, maybe at my camp but I love Maine, never would leave…

And I have good news,  measuring a week larger and a very strong heartbeat at 122-124 beats per min.... Thank you little one, thank you... Love your mum!

Well here I am - here again waiting.

2 more sleeps until my next ultrasound….

I’m not as nervous this time. I feel okay that things are going to be okay.

Even though I have never in all 5/6 miscarriages measured a week behind (the ones I had Ultrasounds of) – I feel that my LMP is not a good marker for knowing when your date is suppose to be, I believe that my Ovulation did not occur until around the 29^th of September, which is 5 days off from where the LMP puts me  to ovulate and on top of the ultrasound is not exact, they measure by eyeballing the width and place little white markers on each end. The margin for error is quite high, I read on many sites that ultrasound is only accurate between 3 to 4 days… And I have a Retroverted Uterus. It means my uterus is upside down and backwards (awesome)….. This makes it very challenging for them measure – or so I have read and experianced, she actually had me put my hands under my hips to help level out the view… I’m sure that didn’t skew things at all ;o)….  So I am going in to this that we are going to see a Heartbeat, it will be 5+ days larger, and everything is going to continue. It wouldn’t be like me to have it is easy, I’m not one to ever have it easy, so if this is the bumpy part I will take it!

Symptoms, Still nothing really: hungry - boobs hurt a little, nipples sensitive, go in and out of fullness but still feel full comfortably in a B cup thank you very much! – tired – burpie – gassy – somewhat constipated  nothing terrible (eating fruit thanks Steph!) – anger management, Weak to poor, at best, my temper has increase slightly above my normal roar… poor hubby… - nose is stuffy, sometimes hard to breath at night -  no real weight gain, maybe 1 LB but I think I weight that before sadly….. – some goowie stuff seemed to be like egg whites this morning when I wiped, it wasn’t the progesterone cream, it was clear…I assume this is my mucus plug forming? But other than that – those are my symptoms to date.

I did talk to a Intuitive – she read spirits,  things come to her, we talked last night. She said she had to focus the conversation so I flat out asked her how this pregnancy would go, she said this one will be fine, she said I know it’s been a long road with the losses and this one is here to stay. She also told me what she thought the spirit was, she sensed a strong ….(baby's gender)… energy, I’m not going to tell anything ( maybe is you message me, I’ll tell you… just don’t want to have that be the focus) to until the day I meet him/her but I would be thrilled with either – for me it’s not even about it being a boy or a girl, it really about just being all ours, healthy, happy and whole…. If someone chooses to know the sex, I have no issue with that, to each his own, we all make our own decisions for our own reasons, and I think that’s great! I just want that surprise, I absolutely want to be surprised…. Hubs feels that way too. But it’s not for everyone. We are just so grateful to be here again able to make this happen again, I would like a baby, healthy, that’s all.

As for us tonight we are getting ready for Sandy to make her appearance…. Winds are strong, rains should be hard but I’ve seen worse, I’m a Mainer!

**Update*** Today's the Day....6w 2d- ultrasound day

 ****************Update*******************
So the Ultrasound was okay, I'm happy with the results, just still in a waiting game, we have a follow up next week for the Heartbeat. I was measuring 5 weeks 2 days, because that would match where my beta number would be around 10,000, they see a HB after 18,000 -which she was fine because of the fact I have irregular periods and probably ovulated  later and that delays the implantation, so the numbers would be off, and it would be off by 6 days give or take.... Today I am suppose to be 6 weeks 2 days, But Here is what I am thinking now

O-date - Around 9/30 or 9/29
Test date: 10/8
First beta: 7.9 on 10/9
2nd Beta: 30.4 on 10/11
3rd Beta: 330.9 on 10/15

so if I Ovulated on the 29 or 30th of september, then I would have implanted some where between 6 to 12 dpo.... so that means that my actaul based on O date is 5 weeks 5 days.... And Ultrasounds are usually not exact... they have a 3 to 4 day window of error. Also explains why the Morning sickness has not hit... I'm not there yet....

So I'm okay until further notice....

Dear Baby,
 Just stay with us, grow a 5 + day growth- show me your heartbeat! 8 months from now is when I want to meet you....... Love your mum and dad xoxxxx


***************************************************************************




Today at 11:30 EST, I am going to see the positive here. I will be moving forward to a new stage.

I'm so nervous.

My Hubs cannot be with me because of his job, so my best friend will be...

I have sore boobs this morning, had some loose stool (I know TMI) almost couldn't dry off quick enough to get out the shower to get to the toilet... Where is the constipation? I feel tired this morning. Not sick, still haven't eaten yet and there nothing that seems to bother me food wise, no aversions or cravings. 6 weeks 2 days today...

My Fertility nurse neighbor that now is working in MA  - I called her - I need to vent,/ talk/symptom check... She said "because everything is so different this time, it sounds like things are good really good - I'm not worried about this check - it's the next one for you. The Nausea not being around yet, we don't know why sometimes it's there and others its not." We talked more about the fact that it's a proven study that says if you have a U/S weekly during the first trimester the success rate is higher for women with previous losses.

Hubs had a wine tasting last night and he talks about our past IF and one of the owners of the wine store said she had 7 losses and then stopped trying - gave up and gave birth to triplets. He didn't tell them that we had a surgery scheduled that day and it was cancelled because I got pregnant after thinking there was no hope this cycle...

So I really have some wonderful friends, I have got emails, calls and text messages about hoping my surgery went well... I had to tell them that it was cancelled... I've got a lot of skeptical friends now....They said things like: "oh do you not need it?", "what did your Dr say?" "Is it being rescheduled?" "are you pregnant?' the people that have figured it out I have not confirmed there suspicions just smiled. We shall see.

Hubs said let them be skeptical, then when they tell them, it will be all that more of a wonderful thing.

Wish me luck
xo

6 weeks 0 Days

So today I am 6 Whole weeks, 2 more sleeps until my Ultrasound. Which I'm scared about. I have been in this position so many times now before that I find scared hardly the right word when I describe my fear. Even when I hear that sweet heart beat, which I think we will, we are not out of the woods yet.

The reason I am scared is because when there is a heartbeat, then it's real, I cannot pretend to not be interested, I'm invested. I'm invested now but I am less likely to have a complete melt down. I just am so scared to get there hear the heart beat and then a week later nothing.... That terrifies me but I a good way... It tests me

Don't get me wrong I will do this again, I want to be a mum. There is nothing that drives me harder then that, I love this little one so much already, more then I let on too...

Hubs even got a little more excited about decorating the nursery. He wants to get old magazine coverages in the years/months that him and I were born, so far Esquire has Richard Gear- for his birthday, love.. and Vogue has Princess Di for my Month and year... Love that too. But we shall see. After further investigation we discovered that the vintage magazines were about 45 to 100 a piece, so we need to pick out 1 each. Then we thought what about Ranger Rick mag... that would be better.

Symptom check up:

Boobs - only thing that seems to be growing and changing daily- some days they aren't as full, but still larger then normal but last night they felt really full, and then the other day they seemed very full too. But it's off and on.The also hurt sometimes, sometimes they don't too much. Today they feel fuller and hurt. I feel like these have become my barometer for how pregnant I am.

Stomach - seems fine, hungry a lot but nothing big, some nausea yesterday after eating, not a lot but a little...
I get bloated towards the afternoon and evening.

Overall - Tired a little, nothing too much, but it is harder for me to get up in the am.... which isn't usually an issue, and I am much more tired at night. Stores seem to drain me.

Drugs: Progesterone and baby aspirin. 

Going to see Brandi Carile tonight at the State Theater! So exited, hopefully I can stay awake!

Symptoms to date

I think I need to keep track of all this. I am not starting a book until I feel the time is right, that will be firmly after I make it out of this first trimester.... I need to get there... I will. But for now I will use my blog to record these things. Mostly for my sanity.

So as of today....

My stomach is gas city, I'm hungry a lot,  I burp (I never burp), I feel twinges and tugs down by my groin, mostly feels like gassy stuff, regular as a sunrise (not constipated yet), I pee a little more then the average bear, and I think the co-workers are noticing this development...I had some slight ( mean soooo slight) Nausea with after eating and on Sunday when I was in hot spaces, I walked around our town's Old Port - as we were in and out of the shops and the hot air inside was like kriptonite to me, felt dizzy, tired and nausea. Nothing big. No aversions and no cravings...

My body, nothing big is changing yet, other then a little more bloated, pants still fit, spose they will fit for a while.

My boobs are a size larger (A cup to B cup), they are sore to the touch, hubby is sad about this.

I'm tiny, but I'm medium frame, I don't think I will really "show" for a while, might have to worry at Christmas, but by then I should be okay to share the news, I'll be 14.6 weeks....

I would like to get through this week and make it into the sonogram and hear a beat..... I want it soooooo badly and I know this little one does too. I feel so very different this time. It's odd I fee safe, maybe I'm being protective to myself this time, not letting myself get too into it, maybe I'm ready... Maybe this is good.... I just want a little one to share our lives with, Hubs and I are pretty neat people and I think that we could be really fun parents....

4 more days until Ultrasound...

wondering...

Almost no Symptoms, well not none but very light, I do burp more then I have ever, gassy, loose stool, boobs hurt and are slightly larger, no nausea or anything, a little tired but nothing big, come hard time falling asleep.

But I guess my big thing is I really don’t feel pregnant…

Could that be because of the Progesterone Level? Last time it was over 45 and now I’m 26.4…

Last night I found myself looking back in my blog from 2011 in October, I didn’t really have any symptoms until about 22 days past ovulations which is this weekend… Could it be coming, I’ll be 6 weeks next Wednesday maybe it will happen then….

While looking though my blog I read the day we lost last year, 10-25-12… What a very hard day that was…. I still feel like it was a dream, very bad dream…. But I found myself tearing up reading over the recount of my day… and the friends that came through for me… I don’t want to go there next week, I want to be good and on my way to great things… I’ll be 6 weeks and 2 days on Friday next week…. I want to see the little beating heart and little person I’m making so badly. I feel so different this time. I feel so detached this time – even thinking about this day that is coming up isn’t bothering me that much, I’m thinking about in anticipation but not worry…

1 week from today at this time I will know the outcome. Hubby keeps telling me not to worry… I’m not I just hate the wonder!

I just don't know, but I know, you know?

I know I am suppose to be happy, I’m pregnant, right? Why can’t I be, I’m so broken. I was first convinced I was out this time. Yelled at Hubby to make “coffee” with me… Then I feel slightly odd and pee, there were the two lightest little lines I’ve ever seen. Next day 7.9 is my Beta, then Thursday the Beta 30.7, still thought I was out, then I thought I was in, then Sunday I wasn’t really feeling anything, so I thought I was out, then Monday the 15^th  beta 360+…. Again thought I was out but my numbers told me I was in. I fell asleep as my desk a few times this week in the afternoon, guess I’m in. This morning my boobs felt a little less full and no pain… now I have some pain and some more fullness, why is that? I feel tired and ready to go back to bed with 8 hours sleep under my belt but I feel fine, the only time I’m really hungry is in the afternoon… Mornings are not that bad, I feel fine, not even that hungry – why the heck is that.

 I was looking back on my chart list I keep from past pregnancy’s and there is a common theme, I get sick, but it seems like it happens around 22 DPO, so this weekend is when things usually start to change for me…. We shall see. I’m wondering if they would entertain another beta for me?  Or if it’s worth it- should I torture myself?…. All of these thoughts roll around in my head. Why I’m not sick, why I feel fine but tired. Why my boobs fell less full in the am… Why, Why, Why? I just long to be normal sometimes. But on the other hand I wouldn’t trade this life for anything... I have been given a path to take and honestly I would do it all again…

My best friend IRL and cousin, M, she has a 1 year old and got pregnant right after my first miscarriage after my ectopic, delivered a healthy baby boy, love him. She and I date day planned. She could see the second I was in the car with her that something was wrong. I told her that I was pregnant (this was the day before my Monday beta so I thought I was out) but I might be losing it, and I just couldn’t wrap my head around it. She is one that listens and doesn't get excited until appropriate, she is wonderful for that, I love her. We talked, I vented, she vented – shopped and decided lunch out and big salads were needed. So over lunch we talked more about my losses – which seems to be what I talk about what I talk about with close friends lately.We talked about how I want a baby so badly, i would do anything, she asked about adoption, surrogacy and IVF... We talked about how much they all cost and how I still feel I can do this on my own. It's only a matter of time, I still believe that there is very little wrong with me and that maybe just maybe I am ready... She is a nurse and I am in nursing school, we are family - so obvious, only she is 5'10' brunette and has blue eyes, me I'm 5'2' blond and green eyes.... we may not look alike but we are so much alike it's scary. We (her sister too, she is closer in age but lives further away,  M live down the street from me) and I often show up wearing the same shirt or sweater at family functions.... we are that cool. I love them.

M said something to me profound: “You do know that I mean this in the best way, but all of this could not have happened to a better person. If this had been me I would be inconsolable, depressed and never want to do that again, look at you your pregnant again, you are amazing… Love you.” I was very honored by this. I know that I have had my times of why me, but I guess that answers my question, why me… Because I am strong and I can do this.

But  still with being strong - I am still just a bundle of nerves I guess until next week… Friday is my First sono……

Please be with me little one, I know I have my doubts but I am with you….100%