Healing

I am going for my blood work on Thursday and I need to see at least a 50% reduction again, so my number 19 and now I need to see 9 or less... my personal hope is that I will see 6 which means that Birth control can start and I can get on track to healing.

Healing means that I can focus on school and my work for 3 months, no thoughts about making babies... hahahah YEAH RIGHT?! I will not be able to get that off my mind but at least the pressure will be off for 3 months.

I will be like I was in college again... High school... Only I was totally a 20 year old virgin... I wasn't cool enough to lose the Big V in high school. College was my entrance into "women-hood" if you will... Wow, if I knew then what I know now.... I would never have taken Birth control... Well maybe, but I would not have been so worried about pregnancy once I met Hubby... I knew that I was going to be with him for ever, I just knew. So why didn't I know that I was going to have this much "fun" trying....

Well the truth is, I did.... I knew that it was going to be hard because I was told that in the early 90's, the year I was 1st place on Birth control... Apparently having a menstral cycle that was over 45 days long was a bad thing and bleeding so badly in your sleep that you have to have rubber sheets was also not the norm... I even had to get a new mattress - my mum was worried what the guys at the dump would think...

After 3 different doctors and some traumatic experiences I found out - there is nothing they can do but regulate with The Pill... I remember crying with my mum - telling her that I wasn't going to have sex, and that I felt dirty and broken- I was 12 for gods sake. Not that it's wrong to have sex at 13 but I thought it was terrible at the time. I think that's why I didn't really explore that until I was 20. I could not bare to to that to my mum I guess. Well that break through just saved me a ton of therapy! My mum was great and supportive. I never felt that she was judging me - I was judging me...

Now in my Thirties - (wow I just said {typed} that out loud) - I can say I am finally on my way to the right path. I have a plan. I have testing that will help narrow down the issues. I know that I have a cycle disorder, I know now that I have a progesterone issue.... I know I lot that I didn't know then. And I guess as much as my Journey was really hard on me it will take me places where I need to be. I am a nursing student and I have always said that I want to work with the babies, maybe baby I need to work with the mum to be. I think I know now why my journey has brought me to this point.

Well here I go again on my own, only I'm not on my own I have a ton of women that are walking the path I walk and it's not easy. We will get there.

xoxo Lovely baby making ladies

Thinking about those IVF ladies....

Beta 19!! and heading down!

I got my number yesterday and I have a beta of 19! Thank goodness no more Methorexate! I have never been more excited to hear my Beta is heading down...I have 2 more follow up bloods and then I can start the Birthconrol process for the next 3 months, ugh. Sort of relieved that I going to be back to "normal" soon. Glad to see my number going down... and I am starting to feel much better over all. I think I can even get back to running... I need it badly, so out of shape!

One interesting (scary) fact about methorexate is it depletes your body of Folic Acid, that's one of the main reasons that you need to wait and few months to start trying again. I need to build back up my reserve of the Folic Acid to prevent birth defects I've lost from having that injection. Also it can cause inflammation around your "damaged" tube. So I need to heal that tube up good because we are going to need it!!

Another pregnancy on facebook.... I am about to cancel my account. But alas I will keep it and try to be better with people peeing on a stick and posting there "good" news.

So one of my best friends is sick today. She was up all night long... Both ends... Poor girl. She and I became friends because she was my Hubby's Prom date in high school. We met working together when I first moved back to southern Maine and I recognized her from his HS photos! We clicked instantly. She called asking if I could stop by after work and bring her ginger ale. Well Hubby just found out work is cancelled today because of bad weather. So I called him and told him how she was sick and sent him to the rescue! He delivered soooo much to her: Ginger ale, Gatorade, cup o'noodle soup packets, and saltines.... I just love him. He was just as worried as I was when she called asking for help but I couldn't get to her until after 5pm...I didn't think she should have to wait and he was right in the area where she lived! She has no one around - her Finance is over seas as a power plant engineer... She has family but in Middle area of the state about an hour away... He saved the day and checked on her and made sure she knew to call us if she needed anything at all and she could come stay with us until she got better... Really? I married the nicest man.... love him. It's times like these that I cannot wait for him to be a dad...

waiting game

I have heard wonderful news that a friend is FINALLY going to get on the way with IVF! I wasn’t worried for a min. but I am so glad that things are underway! glad that wait is jsut beinging!

So I’ve been busy…

I am working towards a degree in Nursing, so I have a somewhat full class load. I am working full time which is close to 50 hours a week and then I am going to school for 6 credits… Yeah I am aware I am only one person but I cannot help keeping myself busy. Especially after this week…

On Friday the 13^th when I had my first shot of Methorexate and the day I got the bad news- my numbers were not doubling- pregnancy not viable…They were at 72 beta. Then the post shot numbers were 49 beta. Not dropping as much as they like to see. PS I have never had any good news on that particular day- i.e. Friday the 13^th. That was the date in August of 2010 that we had found out that we were miscarrying. And now Friday the 13^th marks the day I find out that I am pregnant again and it’s in the wrong spot… So that date is not my friend…  

So I had to have another Methorexate Shot on Friday the 20^th… So they just pulled my blood again today. They are hoping for my numbers to go down by 50%. So I was at 49 on Thursday last week and I need to be at least at 24 or lower. I am praying that they don’t need to have another shot… I hate that stuff. I am feeling fine though. So symptoms and no bleeding… I expect the flow to start once my numbers start going down more, but who knows. If my numbers don’t go down then this is bad news. Hopefully I heard something by 1pm today…

I’m not sure what the bad news will mean… Does it mean surgery? Does it mean more drugs? Does it mean I’m Infertile?

I have a hard time believing that I cannot have my own children. It will be very hard to get over that if this is the case.

But I am not thinking of that and I am not going there.

I am waiting for the right time when I will have my own baby and I will get pregnant and it will be this year… It’s just going to be with the help of drugs, Clomid and progesterone and maybe some baby asprin. The only sad point is I will not have a baby this year it will be in 2013… Which is fine – it’s just another year away.

I guess good things are worth the wait.

Speaking of waiting, I was walking into the waiting room at my new Dr’s this morning – and there stood a couple and they had that familiar white glossy paper dangling from her hand… The Sonographer chatting with them about making plans for the next few ultrasounds… The words “Congratulations” is said by the staff as they head out the door with their wait over, they now know they are pregnant.

They get to make plans.

I miss making plans. I miss having that feeling of protecting something so amazing growing inside of me. Why can’t that be me. It is so annoying that I think these things.  I wish I wasn’t so broken. Every time I see a new post about early pregnancy on Facebook I want to tell them they shouldn’t be so hasty because I had 4 losses… They should wait because they don’t know if it will last. I just saw a post the other night “poppy seed”. REALLY!? And this is someone that just had a little boy about a year ago… I hate that this has made me so cynical to this joy others have.

Sorry all I am having a sad day… I just want to have a baby.

Tired of this waiting game...

Ectopics topic, Tattoos, Bloods and CT

So I have had a crazy week.

I'm not in too much pain really at all, I'm just a little bit uncomfortable. I can feel the excess fluid (blood) in my body... And I'm on pelvic rest so it makes it hard to sit still... Normally I would go for a run or a swim to take my mind off things. Instead I'm resorting to reading and watching reruns of TV on Netflix..

Lately it's be Portlandia (Hilarious reminder of a blogger and good friend!), LA Ink and Storage Wars. I'm not at all tattooed,but the artwork is fascinating. And the drama keeps my mind off my own drama. I've always thought of covering my emergency surgery scar from my ectopic pregnancy in 2010.. Hubby says if I want a Tattoo to cover it then he's taking me to NYC or some other big city and we will research the best Artist... He's really thoughtful and mostly he thinks tattoos are hot. Me, I cannot see living with the same design forever. And scar is on my belly about 3 inches from my belly button, so if I was tattooed there... well I'm planning on getting prego and I've seen what happens to tattoos on the belly... yikes. Jury is still out but it gave me something to think about.

Beta is going down from the last one, now reading 65 from 72 on Friday. Hopefully today's beta will be even further down from 65... After the nurse poked me for the 5th time (I have very tiny veins... I drink tons of water, just built like a toddler vascularly!) She finally got it, but I took one to the wrist first which hit a nerve... ouch. She felt so badly, not her fault I'm so damaged!  By the way she's not at fault I haven't had too many times were the nurse could find my vein right off... Fun.

I'm heading to Connecticut this weekend to visit my best friend and Cousin. She moved to CT after college for the job and has been there ever since. I love this Sushi place by her house - ALL YOU CAN EAT! For 1 price $20.00... I make it worth my while! I order my faves and then finish it with green tea ice cream! YUM! Hey, this is yet another thing I cannot do if I was pregnant! Trying to find some silver lining here...

Well Wish me luck and I will be thinking about all my other IVF Bloggers that have some big tests today and this week coming.... So much to make something sooooo wonderful = Worth it!

Ectopic and leftovers....

So pregnancy is not happening.... my number stayed at 72 hCG... so methotreate was administration was necessary....so tired of this...why am I so broken?
So done.... feeling so alone. I want children so badly why is it such a struggle? So now we need to take clomid to have a pregnancy and take progesterone...why can't I have just a normal whoops I got prego... not me... sorry such a Debby downed tonight. I'll get by, just don't want to....

prego? This Stuff only happens to me...

So I am pregnant at this point.

Beta 72, very early, if it is…

Still wrapping my head around that word so soon – Pregnant… wtf…. Really?

What was a routine checkup/2^nd opinion with a new Dr to see why I can’t get pregnant, ended up determining that I am pregnant and have something in my uterus! WHAT!? I still cannot believe the transition of events…

So I had my apt at 1:15 Wednesday the Dr determined that she wants me on Clomid on my next cycle and progesterone and to have blood panel for clotting disorders. Lots of good information and didn’t think I should have waiting that long to get to regular cycle- she said having 36+ days cycles are not acceptable and are a sign that your hormones are not working right…. I have news finally. So we talk about this for a while about my cycles being an issues finally someone who understands charting!

So I mention that my period was the 26^th of December lasted about 6 days and then this Sunday the 8^th of January I was on my feet all day long and noticed that I had some spotting in my panties red blood…I wiped – red to pink, then soon later brown… then nothing. Well she seemed to not like this news and tried not to upset me and offered to do a US to see if a cyst had broken or maybe I have a fibroid.

She got me into the US room and the Sonographer sees that I’m missing my right tube- (Yup, know that Ectopic in 2010) and my uterus looks fine no blood in it. But then she scans up in my left part of my uterus  (I have a Bicornuate uterus… More fun for me in fertility) So she gets quite and starts taking lots of pictures of that side and says “well there is something there…” She prints off the sonogram pic. and tells me to get dressed and the Dr will see me soon…. Okay…. Now I’m scared…

The Dr sits me down and says “well, something is in there… let’s give you a pregnancy test.” I pee in a cup and they come back just a few moments later… a faint line has appeared… This is the first time in my life that I have not been that excited to see the line- just in shock! What?! I had tested myself around the 6^th of December to see where my levels were at and there was a faint line then, and the test I was using was sensitive up to 25 ppm… then the next week It was gone… so it’s very possible that I right after I had a negative test I got prego again….  Shock. I’m just mouth open shock.

Well they decided to draw blood quant for the next 2 days – the results are back for Wednesdays beta 72… What the heck!? Then I had my blood drawn this morning waiting on the results now… Should have a number by Lunch time Eastern standard time…  if this is in fact a pregnancy then I should be over 140…. If it is left over tissue then it should go down or it is ectopic (which they really have not ruled out) then I have to have a date with methotrexate which will rid my body of the tissue and stop the growth if there is any in my tube… I really am still in shock.

What’s different this time is a lot of people know. My office had to know why a routine apt at the Dr’s turned in to all day event and why I’m needing follow up blood work. They know about the miscarriage and I told them it’s probably leftover tissue but they are convinced that I am pregnant. So this is very odd that they all know, I’m really not sure how I feel about it. But I guess I don’t have to sneak around?! My 2 best friends know but my Cousin and bff for life doesn’t know. I am on “pelvic rest” and cannot be doing too much, they are worried that if it is a pregnancy the bleeding could happen throughout if I am not careful and if it is an ectopic that I could rupture my last tube… So I am being very good. But my BBF wants me to visit her in CT next weekend…. Guess I might be putting that off…. So I need to explain why.

Still in shock, I was drinking a glass of wine on Monday night and had a martini on Tuesday – it was tiny but still…. WTF.

Routine checkup turns up I’m prego… Really? I’m still in disbelief – Happily in it!

Oh, no?

So yesterday I went to a new Dr for a 2nd option... Well I got one, well many...

Here is the background - Think you remember from the blog Monday or Tuesday that I wronte had some bleeding over the weekend and I listed all the causes.... Now I had my period on the 26th of Dec. This bleeding took place 2 week later on Sunday the 8th Jan... Well I'm now certain of the fact that was not a good thing I had bleeding... And very thankful that I went to the Dr's to talk about Fertitily, just so happened to line up with this mess...

The Dr and I talked about my Fertility and what is going on with my cycles, apparently she thought it was VERY wrong for me to have 36+ day cycles... Who knew!? We talked about how I chart and she listened and knew that I had an issue! And she thinks I have a Ovulation disorder, as well as a Luteal Phase disorder... She thinks I just not Ovulating that often and when I do the eggs are not great. And I'm not producing enough progesterone. Now if you read my blog you can see we have done nothing out of the norm, just sex. Now I'm going to be taking Drugs. Which terrifies me. Clomid and progesterone. We went through all my history and she feels I can have a baby if I get some help. I agree, we talked about the process and honestly she made it sound so much less like a "drug" more like help. Because 4 losses is too much. She still wants me to a thromboplastin test, this test my bloods ability to clot. This could be a factor too. I felt really good like I got something done and I am now a little closer to a baby!

Well here is the part I didn't expect....

I told her about the bleeding Sunday... Well she changed her demeanor, and asked me if I had pain too. I said not alot just slight pain mostly pressure like I would during Ovulation and thought that this was my first time that Ovulation had bleeding but I have not seen a rise in temperature. She looked concerned but tried to smile... Oh I've seen this face before. Well they had a US machine there at the office, which is great they didn't have one at my last Dr's office and that always bothered me that I had to go to another office... The sonographer was very nice, and had Harvard Medical school accreditation on her wall... Clearly knows her stuff.... She spotted something in my uterus... maybe a pregnancy but it could be or it could be an ECTOPIC.... Or Left over miscarriage tissue... GREAT! (this is not excitement for Happiness...) It was in the upper left hand corner up by my tube... They took a picture of it and had blood drawn. I am still waiting on the results this morning. But they had me pee on a stick there, well it was a cup but still. It showed positive, VERY faintly... This is not exactly what I had in mind about a 2nd option. But I AM SO GLAD I went!!! Now I could be looking at another ectopic and possibly having to be pushed full of methotrexate to termiate a pregnancy that could end my LAST tube's life....

Don't get me wrong I would give my right arm to be pregnant but not sure if this feeling right... But who knows maybe it will be goodnews. I'll hope for that but it's not likely.

So scared. But so glad I went for a 2nd Option when I did....

I'll keep you all posted.

Spotting some issues...

So today has been sort of a gloomy day for me… I have been having odd red bleeding/spotting yesterday. It was enough to lightly bleed through to my panties, not much, little more later on in the day when I wiped- now today it’s very light brown-old blood- Other then that I have had my big normal period after my miscarriage from the 26^th though the 30-31^st – Not sure what this is… I have been feeling some pressure on one side- which usually means Ovulation.

So I turned to Google….And while studying towards my degree in Female Medicine from Dr Google University I discovered a lot of fun things that this could mean…

Reason 1- I could be pregnant –

Me- nope- Not that I don’t wish this! Just had the worst period from Dec 26^th through Dec 31^st…. Unless the gestational period for pregnancy for women has sped up to 4 days this is doubtful…  I guess we shouldn’t rule out Immaculate Conception (yeah right! haha)… we did have intercourse before my flow started on Christmas eve/and day…

Reason 2- STD s-

Me- Ah, No..

My hubby doesn’t cheat, he spends about 80% of his free time in a chair playing video games 20% with me = no time for this, and the thought of someone hitting on him frightens him, it’s hilarious to watch!  – side story- He works in the wine industry and often does wine tastings, well older, single women LOOOOVE this stuff… well I’ll go to the tastings from time to time but I rarely will make it known I’m his wife, I just enjoy myself and sip, we rarely show PDA in public especially while he’s working, so no one really knows who I am unless I say so. Well I happened to be in back of 2 cougars in line to get more wine- out for fresh meat, Hubby being the sweet guy he is talks forever and delights them with wine –o details (yawn) further until one says “hey after this lets go grab a drink, we should go out sometime (insert wink and arm rub here)” I chuckle to myself- enjoying every moment. Hubby is visibly scared, as he should be! And nervously tells them thank you but he has plans… and just as he says that, they didn’t really want to take no for an answer, she says “oh then another time, give me your number” Forward little hussy… Then he looks around the room for my eyes, I pretended not to have heard the situation… ha ha, it’s too funny to stop! Well our eyes meet and he says to the cougars that he’s actually going to dinner with his wife… It works, they comment on they didn’t know that he was married (Bull) and congrats- etc-…. So no he doesn’t cheat. And definitely not on my part! He the love of my life- besides have you been out for drink of on Friday night where I live – you run home into your hubbies arms happy you are not single ever again!

Reason 3- Progesterone issues…

Me- I’ve been wondering if this was the cause all along but my current Dr believes its’ hogwash… I am seeing another Dr for a 2^nd option 1^st- there is research that supports that it is somewhat hogwash, but some that say otherwise… Jury still out I guess.

Reason 4-Ovuation

Me- well I’ve been using the predictors… I’m negative all week- Could have missed the surge but unlikely…… But I had egg whites on Saturday/Sunday… Odd. But I have NEVER Spotted before due to this…

Reason 5- Fibroids

Me- awesome…. Something more wrong with me?!

Reason 6- Ovarian cysts

Me-Again, awesome….

Reason 7- Ectopic again

Me- Really!?!!! I cannot lose my last  tube…

Reason – 7 The BIG C word

Me- praying it’s never going to be this, I cannot even spell out the word it frightens me that much

Help any ideas- I know cycles after a Miscarriage are unpredictable but this is BS I want to be prego again, why can’t I just have a normal life and just make this happen easily?…. Sigh.

Goals for the 2012

So I am going to try a few things this new year:

1.      Not going to obsess about getting prego… Blog might not be stopping that but it’s an outlet for my thoughts. So it stays!

2.      Not going to jealous of other people who get prego (at least not openly- I can still be a little bit- I’m only Human!). It’s not their fault they got what I want so desperately that I would give my right arm to have it…

3.      I’m going to really try to live in the moment and not the “oooh well I can’t because I might be prego this time…” This doesn’t mean binge drinking- just not acting like I am prego when I’m not…. I’m still going to be careful, just not over doing it!

4.      I’m going to stop telling my close friends when I get a positive test… I am going to just put it up on the blog and keep it to my hubby and myself. I only tell 3 people normally beyond my hubby but I think I need to try something new this time.

5.      Get and stay pregnant- have a baby.

PS My mum is awesome. She knew that I was having a rough time this holiday and she bagged up a little martini in a bag for me - cosmo to go.

Love her, thank goodness for Mums! Now if I can be this cool to my kids some day!