Heartbeat!!!!

124 beats per min!!! Embro and all measuring 6weeks 4 days!!!

Why now....

Why today…

Yesterday I felt great all day, I was supper tired and dizzy most of the day but overall I felt fine in my stomach which I had not for days before…. Hence why they gave me a prescription for Zophran which helps with the nausea but not with Constipation… So last night I decided to tackle dishes, haven’t been able to do this in a week… Well I got through 90% of the dishes… then I found something that looked like Fuzzy Oatmeal…. Even thinking about it now make my gag reflex shutter… Well I puke up a little bit of stomach fluid.. and I sweat, mouth watered, tears pooled in my eyes - the whole bit… Meanwhile the entire time my 8 month old Pug Yoda was sitting next to me worried sick that his mum was feeling good… He was so stinking cute, giving me kisses and putting a paw on my hand…That helped…

But other than my moment of puking because of dirty dishes, I really haven’t felt badly stomach wise… and I was sooooo bad just 2 days ago.. Even today I feel okay, I’m still tired and dizzy…. But I’m fine….

WHY today of all days! Today is the day I find out if we have a heart beat… and this is what I have to worry about…. I’m just scared this is a sign of things not working out…. I had been so confident that this time is different…. Please don’t shake this from me now!

This time...

This time feels different... and I'm not just saying that, really! I am so much sicker, my boobs are now a 34B! I've been a glorified 32-34A for ever... B is nice, but they hurt so hubby is sad... Sorry hun.
And they say that you know... Well last time I knew something was wrong... But I couldn't figure out what. Well it ended up being a lack of fetal pole, heartbeat and everything... When the ectopic happened I knew it was bad news too... Bleeding + Pain does not = healthy Pregnancy... I also thought something was sort of wrong this past January with the chemical pregnancy.... it was the brown spotting.... I knew it was going away and not meant to stay....

This time I have no pain, with the exception of "morning" sickness and my Boobs hurt. I have no bleeding. Other then that I feel good about this...I am trying to remain positive until tomorrow at 4pm Eastern time. I even bought a Fit Pregnancy Mag. I brought it home, Hubby laughed, he said "you only bought this because Emily Deschanel is on the cover, right!" I did admit that was a motivation for me! She's on one of our favorite shows we watch reruns of, no cable, Bones- I think it's on Fox but I have netflix to watch shows on so we can watch an entire season straight through!

Last night I went to target got a new bra, 34B, a fan because we need some white noise for the dogs, we have 2 pugs and the puppy decided a week ago that he would bark and growl at 2,3 & 4am at NOTHING! (Last night was awesome sleep) The Fit Pregnancy Mag, and 2 Fire alarms... The Fire alarms are because we have a older house and the Alarms are probably from the EARLY 90's and not Photoelectric which prevents them from going off from Kitchen steam and smoke, as well as bathroom steam... and they have a mute button, thank god!

Then I got hungry and didn't feel like puking at the thought of food and the food that I wanted more then anything was Pad Thai! So I ran to Cottage Road Pad Thai and order it for Hubby and I... His favorite too. Well I had left a message for him earlier in the day and it was me telling him what I was doing and how nothing tasted good or made me want to eat.... So what does he do... He gets me to go food from Willows Pizza... I had Willow's last week and I nearly burned my tongue off trying to eat the Pizza because it was Piping hot and sooooo good and I was super hungry!

But I feel good this morning thank goodness for me eating my weight in Pad Thai.. hubby said it was the most he had seen me "put down" in a while. Besides being constipated and my allergies are out of control (I refuse to take anything) - really do feel better today.... I'm meeting a very spiritual friend after work today, she is a doula, and focus on women issues. She told me my uterus was tilted and to the side before anyone else did, and she did it from feeling me... She wants to see me before tomorrow's sonogram... have tea and send me off with good vibes.

I trying now to eat constanctly to keep ahead of the urge to splurge my insides out... it's hard... I feel good now but usaully within the afternoon I'm a wreck... I need to beat this... I can do this!!

Wish me luck, I think today will be the longest day on record... and tomorrow will feel like a year I am sure of it....

Need a Beat....

Waiting.. Wishing... Hoping...

So here I am waiting for Friday to come... It cannot come quick enough.

At my Apt with the Nurse last week I learn some more things:

1. The embryo is implanted on my right side... this is the same side I lost my Tube on during my Ectopic emergency surgery.

2. My Uterus is retroverted... Great, one more issue...

3. they don't know what side the egg came from....

Well Friday at 4pm should be interesting!

Oh and my "morning" sick... more like all day sickness is progressing... It started pretty bad on Friday night, then progressed over the weekend and now I'm just feeling so icky, but I am not complaining! It just makes it hard to find food that seems appealing  to me, everything seems like it won't taste good....That's the hardest part - so once I find something I like I eat it for every meal!

My Breast are getting larger by the day, I know this because they can barely fit in my A cup Bra's.... I'm a small chested lady- so ANY increase is noticeable! And they are not growing at the same rate.... one is larger then the other... How wonderful... But I'll take it!!

Certainly not complaining... My Nanie says that this is a good sign, she is so happy right now.... My mom says I look better then that last few times and I seems to be sicker too... Who know if this matters... But we will hopefully find out Friday....

XFingers!

Odder things have happened....

Very odd things are lining up…

So, on the 15^th I got the final numbers from the nurse first thing in the AM…. Well while the nurse is reading me my numbers unknowingly to me one of my best friends my Cousin is in the next room because her IUD was acting up and she need to have it readjusted, we have the same Dr. She over hears the nurse saying “Hi Ali, it’s Kathy, Congratulations! The Numbers are looking great and we are going to follow up with an early ultrasound on Tuesday…” My Cousin said she prayed and Pray, “let that be my Ali, let that be my Ali…. Please!” Well it was…. Crazy….

Then…. My other bestie Jordan Facebook’s me out of the blue. Mind you I only see this girl maybe once or twice a year and it’s always random, I love her dearly but she has the heart of gypsy… So it’s rare to get her to stay put in one place for more than a hour! So she writes me out of the Blue this sentence “I had a dream your preggers” – Okay well that’s a little nuts too….

Then on Monday I open my email and it’s fun selection email from Etsy, I love getting those, they are like getting the Lillian Vernon Catalog… I love that catalog as a kid! But Etsy is random and great, the email are usually themed… Well this one was titled “Favorite things” I scrolled down to the bottom to see this:

That's when I would be due, end of May....
And on our Wedding anniversary..... May 23, 2012.... 3 years.....
3 things are sign - then the baby will be due 3 year to the day that we started a family....
Just saying.... Everything does happen for a reason... Starting to see how amazing it can be...

Update - I feel like absolute shit today, and I LOVE IT!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

13,000+

I was still really worried about not seeing a yolk in my sac, so I called the dr...he told me to go get my blood drawn.... well my Nurse called back, she opened the conversation with well...I have good news! 13,000 is ur new number...I questioned why with such high good number did we not see a yolk, she said it was probably too small to see but that number means somethings growing!......
Tears of joy....praying next Friday gripes a beat.....

Decidual Reaction.... 4.5ish....

Not over the moon yet just releaved.... and thankful... I have a great hubby he held my hand the entire time...

It's not in my tube and it's safe and sound in my uterus but there was nothing to see really, no yolk sac, no fetal pole or a heart beat because it's to early...but they saw decidual reaction-There is lots on the internet about this, looks normal, I'm feeling better about the apt. the nurse who did my US was very nice, Hubby liked that she was our age rather than a older less understanding person, she got a brief history on the sheets I filled out- which took FOREVER- then I told her the stuff her form didn't ask about, she said “wow you've been through a lot....you poor thing..” At least she was understanding. She said that the decidual reaction shows the start of the growth and it's the first thing that they can see at 4.5ish weeks. She this is normal, but she seemed not too excited... like she knew it doesn't look good... Hubby said I'm worrying too much... That she was fine and I was over reading her. She was a little dry but nice, she just seemed like the type to tell me the truth, not sugar coating it which I like. So when she wasn't excited I guess that's fine... I'm just worried in 2 weeks we find out that nothing is beating in us again....

It’s hard they are going on LMP which doesn’t give them a good idea… My friend thinks I am early too… She didn’t see anything and she was measuring 5ish weeks with her beautiful baby boy and they didn’t even worry. So She said wait until next week – they will see something then… So here is my math, which my best friend pointed out that there math is off….
14-15^th  August Last missed period
30^th of August, I Ovulated- OPK on the 29th
10^th September I got a positive prego test
12^th September Called the Doc did blood work- HCG was 192 Progesterone 47
14^th September Blood work was 662 and progesterone was 41.89
20^th September Ultrasound- shows decidual reaction and egg on right side of uterus.

Less than 20 days of fetal anything…
So that puts the Fetal age at about 2.5 weeks… or less and me at 4.5 weeks-ish… right?

So the next US will put my fetal age at 4 week which she said we SHOULD see a heartbeat and fetal pole, yolk sac, etc…

But I have an apt. with the nurse for Friday of this week to go over all the finding and chat about questions, the do's and don’ts, etc... This apt was set up before the US.

PS One of my friends wrote me an email on FB, all she said was “I had a dream you are pregnant!”- She’s always been a little more “in touch” then others but that’s why I love her, she’s very in tune….the email made me I shiver (in a good way)… really… that’s sort of amazing-I felt like wow this is our time.. I told hubby, he said that’s pretty crazy cool, and there is NO way she could know!… I can’t wait to tell her in 8 weeks, hey you were right! I wrote her back and said “wow that is great, thanks for the good vibes, that is amazing and cool! love you so much and we should hang out soon!!” Didn’t tell her yes, didn’t tell her no but let her know that I loved it.

Wish me luck on keeping myself out of Dr. Google's office for the next 10 days...

Is it really going to be our time...?

Wondering if everything will be okay…. Despite my happiness about the pregnancy that I have waited 2 years to get to… I’m still anxious for tomorrow at 8:30 am… I’m having a Ultrasound to rule out an ectopic. Every twinge of pain every so often or little movement- I worry… and as I found out from a fellow blogger – the HCG #’s don’t always tell you if there is something wrong… but I haven’t had horrible pain or any bleeding… I just have some twinges and little spouts of pain here and there… More Bowell related I have a feeling… (haven’t pooped in 4 days but finally made progress today! TMI I know…. Lots of gas tho…) but they still freak me out… and it seems to be one sided and stuff… hate this…. My last ectopic- I was bleeding the entire time and in pain- this time I feel fine over all- no morning sickness {as of yet...} really just really tired, sometimes shaky when I need to eat…… But my uterus is completely tilted to one side- on the side I am having twinges on-Hence the worry! And I have only 1 tube so.. I cannot lose my only baby making tunnel!

I have been temping too. My temp has stayed steady for the most part for me 98.48 to 98.38 the entire 20 days since Ovulation… Which is today… I’m just plain scared. Scared I’ll lose my tube, scared I’ll have no way… Scared but excited for the possibility that this might be our time…… I pray it is…. Finally.... I need a beat....a heart beat.

Hubby and I are taking it 1 day at a time… he’s worried as am I… I guess I didn’t realize how much he was hurting until I told one of our close friends… he was upset that I did that… I said it’s not fair that I can’t get excited or carelessly tell someone… it’s just not fair that Hubby’s sister she’s been prego twice and has 2 beautiful babies and she told people mins after she peed on a stick {and one of those times was at my wedding! The other was as I was miscarrying my 10 week pregnancy… grrrrr} and nothing bad happened to her, WTF… I just don’t want to make him upset but I cannot contain myself completely from my best friend… you know how hard it to go to a friend’s house when your husband is a wine buyer and not appear to be drinking… that’s how she found out, she called me out on it in private… it was bad, I tried so hard but I’m a terrible liar! But she is my best friend… I cannot Not tell her… She will be there if something goes wrong- I didn’t think it was a bad thing… Hubby was less upset this am… he called on his way to work and just had to tell me a bunch of Idle chatter… He’s getting himself happy day by day, but I can see his point… it just feels different this time…

Hubby even made reference to our guest bedroom needing to get cleared out for our new addition…… and he’s not letting me pick up anything “heavy” he’s got kit gloves on with me… and honestly I love it… I even looked at baby stuff in the store the other day without fear or sadness…… I think it going to happen this time……. I really do….There will be a beat, I think of the song by the Go-Go's "We got the beat..." I'm going to be singing that all day and picturing the strong little beat within me....

Numbers are Climbing!!!

I got a great call today my Numbers of HCG went from 192.3 with progesterone of 47.62! TO........ DRUM ROLL PLEASE..... HCG at 664.8 and Progesterone 41.89!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
I have a ultrasound schedule at Internal Fetal Medicine on Tuesday at 4pm.... So we can make sure it's not in my tube, the numbers are good tho, Dr is pretty sure it not but with my History we can never be too careful... Best news I've never had number this high this early with either HCG or Progesterone!

The I have a meeting with the nurse after my Ultrasound on Friday the 23rd.... I know that I want to hear other good news from Steph that day too.... I know this is out time lady! Portland to Portland we can do this....

Signing off I'm trying to get myself excited... but I am away hesitant because of my past but this time my reservation is that HOLY CRAP I'M GOING TO BE A MOM.... my WISH...Just May be Coming true after EXACTLY 2 years since I decided to go office BC was today 9-14-09.... And I find out that I am doing good.... How odd is that!?

So here's another Pee Stick.... nice and Dark, sorry, it's not the fancy ones, just the Dollar Tree brand

Looking good....?

So my neighbor was a fertility Nurse, she now works in a hospital. I know, I move in next to the fertility Nurse! Go Figure!!! I didn't "tell" her anything just said, "can I tell you a number?" She looked at me strangely and then figured it out- smiled and said "yes you can!". Over the course of my "pregnancies" she is has been very helpful, telling me what test I should take, which Dr to go to etc... This time I told her 192.3 and she said, "how many days past O" - I replied 13... Her Eyes lit up! She said "wow those are NICE numbers...!" and then she went on to remark "even without the progesterone, we  know that progesterone wasn't your issue last time... you should have fine numbers there too... Good Luck and let me know if you want to talk numbers again... I love Math?! haha" She's funny, she knows that we don't and won't tell anyone, but I need to talk to someone and she's actually qualified!

Then she said something that I had noticed but didn't think it was important... She said "wow and your color is really good this time. You don't look Gray like you did with the last 3- you look glowy pink-normal... " "looking good!" she said with a grin! She went on to tell me that she never wanted to say I looked gray while I was dealing with all that last year but I never looked healthy, She just kept trying to fatten me up thinking it was just the morning sickness causing it... clearly it was more then that, I looked Sickly....

Granted I have "morning" sickness now but no where as bad... yet.... I get more afternoon sickness... right around 2 or 3 I start feeling it and need to eat. Once I eat, I am fine. At the wedding this weekend it was hard being in the wedding and trying to snack, by the time I got back from photos, the cocktail hour food was gone and there was nothing to take the edge off until dinner 2 hours later!, my hubby had to go forage for me!

One thing I really tried to do this time was visualize that little egg resting on my uterine wall and snuggling into that lining.... Hey at this point it can't hurt!

Test tomorrow for just blood work, we need over 400+.... Again the waiting game! I should hear my progesterone level today, but I'm not worried, it's going to be fine, Positive thinking, right!?

192.3!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!! HCG at 12 DPO New record!

Still waiting on Progesterone.... But that's a good #!

Fingers Crossed that we are over 20 with progestorone!

Waiting is really hard..... When it's good news?!

I'm waiting on my Dr office to call me back with my blood work....... Wishing and waiting ever so patiently! (not!!)  But I have waited this long I guess I can wait even longer to find out. I need good numbers and then more good numbers.... and then a good Ultrasound... Okay now I'm getting ahead of myself. I need this.

Steph needs this... I'm rooting for you too (you know who you are!)!! A dear fellow blogger made me feel so good about this positive test this weekend! I am so lucky to have someone to share this with.... It's scary when you are in this stage it could go either way and to know someone is willing to hear me, and let me be heard (read)... I don't want to tell the world or my family yet for fear of losing it again... But Oddly I don't have as much fear this time... Maybe this is me getting use to failure maybe it's because this is real.

I do believe that this is MY (our) time....
Keep you posted!

2 lines...

I guess I did get my Birthday wish!...
Of Course I will need to call the Dr on Monday for a follow up Blood Quant but there it was this morning as plan as day 2 little lines... I'm so happy I'm up at 5:30 in the am, couldn't sleep! Today is my Cousin's wedding and I'm excited to celebrate I'm one of the speech givers... Only problem.... I'm going to be surrounded by my family, they can smell a pregnancy like Blood Hounds.... Praying my one "glass of wine" will seem like many....My mom will be there and I will just make her drink it!!
I sort of figured it out last night... I was loopy I knew maybe I need to run to the drug store for the am, but when I peed on the stick I just figured it would be to early and to my pleasant surprise it wasn't! It's sort of faint (plus I took the photo after it had set an hour...) but it's there, no mistaking that!

Let you all know how my Monday goes later... I'm on cloud 9....Finally after a year and a half... I pray that this is going to be good, which it will be!!!

Off to celebrate wedding Bliss! Wish me luck on hiding my secret!

Birthdays, Miracles and Friends...

Okay so I have a LONG post today Lots to catch up on!

So my Birthday weekend end up being just what I needed, Good Friends, Good Food and Best of all Miracles…

It all started about 3 weeks ago when my best friend email to tell me that her and her hubby were taking my Hubby and I out to dinner and we couldn’t say no… Haha. She’s so sweet.

So here comes the Friday after my Birthday September 2^nd and I’m emailing her like I always do at my job throughout the day and just complaining about work and why is it not 5pm yet! And as I am mid email to her with yet another complaint, Flowers arrive at my desk with the message “ Be ready for a girls night out, be ready at 5:15!!” and I instantly knew it was her and my girls friends! I emailed and thanked her. She was happy I got them, and wanted to see what they sent. They were beautiful and tyed at the base of the vase was green beads, my favorite color. It made my day (year). To know I have friends who love me that much meant everything… Everything… So At 5:15, after the worst traffic I’ve ever seen, I got home! Now I have to get ready Luckily everyone else was late too, thank goodness. I had bought a little dress for myself  for diner with my Hubby Tuesday night at, wait for it… Forever21! Hilarious, I never go into that store but something about crossing over into my thirties made me feel like I needed to! So I put on my “party dress” this cute little creamy white lace dress with a black grosgrain ribbon and exposed zipper up the back… So cute! I wore some cute little black kitten heals and touch up my makeup and was ready to go. Husband gave me a kiss and said have fun! The girls picked me up at 5:45 and we headed towards the old Port in Portland… Such a beautiful part of town. And from there we went to a new Bar that was just featured in a local foodie blog and dinner at the adjoining restaurant, SOOOO amazing. I had Ahi tuna with wasabi Mashed potatoes and Napa Cabbage slaw.  So good! Had a cocktail at the bar and a glass of yummy wine at the restaurant. And ALL 9 of my besties made it to the restaurant! It was amazing, I felt like royally, to be that loved. It was perfect. We heading home to my best friend’s house and she had cake, gluten free, just for me! And Balloons and the our Hubbies! So we played Apples to Apples and watch say yes to the dress and 4 weddings until 1:30am! Way past my bed time! So Hubby and I packed it in and headed home, got into bed at 2:30ish.

A little after 3:40 I waken abruptly and grab my phone which I have been taking to bed now for 3 weeks… Back story… My Best friend the one who planned all this Birthday wonderfulness, is prego with her 3^rd baby-has 2 beautiful boys, and praying for a little girl.. She’s having some complications, like Placenta Previa, look it up… it’s not good…. Well, she and I live less then ½ apart so I’m able to get there 1^st and be with her boys if ever needed. After my eyes were able to focus on my phone to see what time it was, my phone started vibrating… I had not forgot to take my phone to bed or turn the volume up in 3 weeks… Tonight, I remember to get my phone but forgot to turn it up- What the heck was wrong with me!… I would have never heard the phone vibrating if I had not awakened!… I was shocked to see her name pop up as the caller. I answered “is everything alright (knowing damn well it wasn’t)?!” Her Hubby who was slightly drunk when I left the house at 1:30 said “no, we are at the hospital, we need you, we are having the baby, now….” He trailed off… “ we need you to be with our boys” So I talked with him for a few mins, but I was still out of it… Gathered my thoughts and then called back… I felt terrible calling back but all of our friends are at their house right now and they don’t know I’m coming back… And it’s 3:45 in the morning… What do I tell the kids when they see me in mommy and daddies bed.. what were they telling the kids about the baby… We got everything straight and I was already on my way over, thank goodness I wasn’t drinking that much last night and I was able to bring my phone with me… everything happens for a reason…

I got to the house and found some ½ awake people milling around and they were surprised to see me but then figured that someone would have to change the smallest child’s diaper and that was my job.. haha! Which I was fine with! Few mins after I got there my phone rang again it was her husband was crying… I hate to hear men cry, makes me completely mush… I managed to stay strong because I knew that my tears would not help anything and anyone. He told me that they had to knock her out and he couldn’t be in the room to deliver the baby, they were worried they might lose her or the baby… he was upset and I tried to claim him… Not an easy task… he said that they were very fast and they had her out in just a few moments…I said she’s in the right place and they are the best doctors in the State, she is very lucky and she will be fine. So scary for him. Another 30 mins passed and I got another call from him, the baby was delivered, it’s really little (my best friends was only 32 weeks along…) 4 lbs and some change… It’s having trouble breathing. Then he had to go… He said his wife was okay, she was losing a lot of blood and she would be losing her uterus… How terrible to wake up to that… He said he would call me in a little while once they stabilized her…. 2 transfusions later and uterus gone… She was stable. Thank god. I wasn’t really able to sleep before I got the news about my best friend, just barely drifting in and out of sleep. I had 3 dreams, they were all about the same: she had a baby girl, she lost her uterus and she almost died but she was going to be okay. I later found out at 7:15 that morning that everything I dreamt about was true except for the sex of the baby… that remained a secret, she wanted to tell all of us… Which she should be able to, after all she went through!

So at Noon my phone rang, it was my best friend! I answer, it was her weak voice on the other end, I was SO happy to hear her voice! And she  asked if I knew what she had, didn’t have the heart to tell her that I knew it was a girl, sadly from her mother and mother-in-law that morning when arriving to visit the boys she let “she” is doing fine and our daughter too. She announce that Kelsey was prefect and looks just like her older brother… I was soooo happy for her. She got her girl, just as her girl came into her life she takes her Uterus! The other odd part was they didn’t want to find out what there were having this entire pregnancy and they wanted to be surprised. When the Dr’s delivered the girl they were shocked. Even when people say they don’t want to know they record the sex for the file, and since week 22 they had recorded Sex: Boy… So if she had found out she would have known it was another boy! Imagine that… If that isn’t fate I have no idea what is! Best Birthday weekend ever!

On to the later part of my story… I had wished at ever candle I blew that I would get prego and my friend would have a girl… Every wish I am hoping happened this year… But when we timed our “fun” this past week almost too perfectly and I’m now 7 DPO… I pray that by Saturday I know if I get my Birthday Wish… I did get 1 Birthday wish, By best friend had a little beautiful baby girl…. If wishes are short this month …I’ll take the next one any day over her… she deserves that little one more then she knows!

Then today....

Oh and to top of the week I look and my SIL Post on FB (mind you she has a 4mo and a 20mo….) “12 weeks and craving Cherry Jell-O” WHAT THE F^*%* I start to shake… - I later found out (a few mins. seemed like a day) that this was one of those retarded “breast cancer awareness BS” thingies… FAIL…This is the very same SIL that made it a point to start trying  before my wedding so she could be Prego then, and started trying for her 2^nd while I was miscarrying… Let’s just say I dislike her strongly 90% of time. I do like her a little when she is actually not thoughtless…. And trying to compete with me… She’s 25 and thinks that she needs to have kids right now before she gets too old… SO what does that make me!!!! WTF…. That’s what I mean!

I’m so ready for this to be my turn… Hubby just got a promotion which would mean more money, thank god… And this would be perfect timing…. I’m 9 DPO today and my temp is pretty much the same as it has been since it rose last week… Usually I see a slight secondary rise by now… So sad I know when I’m prego because it’s happened now 3 times… 4^th time is a Charm? We timed it so perfectly, sex every day before the rise and the day of the rise(the rise happened on my birthday)… I really want this! It doesn’t feel like anything is going to happen… But maybe that’s the way it should feel like… I’m so confused. I just want to be on with this. I also hate that yet again, I COULD be prego before a family wedding… SO again I will have to drink, and not get drunk like I want to after the week I had. My family would smell me out like a bloodhound if I didn’t drink something, I told the Bridey, my Cousin, that I wasn’t going to drink too much because we could be finding out the “if” next week so I didn’t want to regret getting drunk…

I dislike this… I want to be ecstatic… I hate that a fear it could be another ectopic or result in another miscarriage… I hate that I won’t get really excited until I crossed 12 weeks, even then I won’t tell people until 25 weeks if I can help it… But I’m small framed, probably will start showing early… I pray that I am right….

My friend is coming home from the hospital today, the baby needed O2 again- Possibility be there another 2 weeks or longer but that’s the worst case… She is so beautiful. I am grateful for my friend and her new little one too…. I could not imagine life without her and now her little one…She is truly blessed, I know that.

Wish me good thoughts....