Thank you.

I find it hard to believe that I am a mum.... I waited 5 long years to hear those words uttered... I waited to be that role to a little one so long... I watched my friends give birth and have 2nd children in the time it would take me to get pregnant and miscarry again and again.... My heart would ache every time I would see another post on FB about - peeing on a stick or the post Poppy seed.... I'd cringing at how early and tell myself I would never do that... since I had been on the other side of this for so long I never wanted to make another women feel badly for it "not being her" pregnant... again...

I found myself protecting a woman (or women) on FB that I didn't know, and worried if they would be effected by my sharing about the pregnancy, as I was by others sharing. I wanted so badly to post something but remembered how hard it was for me to read, that held me back from doing so. I found joy in seeing someone after a while (in person) and them not knowing I was pregnant. That meant more to me. And sharing here.

The women I have met here mean so much to me. Some of you have become mothers too. Others have not. It's so hard for me to find my role here now. I remember seeing other successes and being so happy for them. We all have had a rough go of this being a mum thing. I know for me I always did a little happy dance when someone graduated, yah they are getting out! But I also cried and mourned when the loss occurred... I lived that too... It would be one of the hardest things for me to see in my own life and to read others were just like me, made it so much easier to relate and share.

And of course when I pee-ed on the stick on June 22nd not believing after thinking I had totally missed my chance, and screaming at Hubs because of it and saying I wanted to give up... There they were 2 lines...

You were all there through the 2 lines turning into a number and that number rising... and rising... and then seeing a little flicker... guarding my emotions still - been here before... then a Gummy bear... then something I had never seen the other side of 10 weeks.... my life forever changed.

I made it through. And saw the other side of loss and infertility... I gave life to a little girl. Who has totally rocked my world. I love her to the moon and back. Her love and life has been all worth the wait.

I want you to know it can happen, even after 6 losses... Hold on. I know in the end I was losing hope. But Hubs and all of you told me to keep trying - and my sister for another mother on here: Steph. She kept me hopping...

I feel so blessed. I think every day, how did I get so lucky? Why can't the other wonderful people that want children so badly be like me... why.

I remember the day in Feb 2013 My nephew was born... And my brother was having a baby... I lost it.... I cried out, why can't this be me.... I could not stop crying... WHY!? Why not me, we were a loving couple, we had so much to give a baby.... Why...

Then my brother-in-law's Girlfriend had a brain bleed, had to be rushed to the hospital that same month... thankfully it healed really well in the end but still very scary. This was all happening 1 year before E arrived... and I remembered telling her - I want a baby.... why can't I have a baby... She cried with me and said you will have a baby girl and it will be amazing... I had never told anyone this before not even my blogging buddies... but I told her I was scared.... Scared that I actually might become pregnant... scared that a pregnancy would go further and then I would lose it... I was scared. I had never admitted that before that night in the hospital with V.... Now looking back... that was my way of putting closure to my fears. I needed that to move forward. To get to where I am now. A mum.

We are all good a something in life... For me I feel that I was meant to be a mum... I never had felt so at home with my little one.... She is my whole world.

I wish all of the future mums on my blog the best, and hope for a beautiful baby in your future.
And most of all... Thank you.

Here is a updated of E....

E at 7 months

Here with her Great nana, such a happy little one!