waiting game

I have heard wonderful news that a friend is FINALLY going to get on the way with IVF! I wasn’t worried for a min. but I am so glad that things are underway! glad that wait is jsut beinging!

So I’ve been busy…

I am working towards a degree in Nursing, so I have a somewhat full class load. I am working full time which is close to 50 hours a week and then I am going to school for 6 credits… Yeah I am aware I am only one person but I cannot help keeping myself busy. Especially after this week…

On Friday the 13^th when I had my first shot of Methorexate and the day I got the bad news- my numbers were not doubling- pregnancy not viable…They were at 72 beta. Then the post shot numbers were 49 beta. Not dropping as much as they like to see. PS I have never had any good news on that particular day- i.e. Friday the 13^th. That was the date in August of 2010 that we had found out that we were miscarrying. And now Friday the 13^th marks the day I find out that I am pregnant again and it’s in the wrong spot… So that date is not my friend…  

So I had to have another Methorexate Shot on Friday the 20^th… So they just pulled my blood again today. They are hoping for my numbers to go down by 50%. So I was at 49 on Thursday last week and I need to be at least at 24 or lower. I am praying that they don’t need to have another shot… I hate that stuff. I am feeling fine though. So symptoms and no bleeding… I expect the flow to start once my numbers start going down more, but who knows. If my numbers don’t go down then this is bad news. Hopefully I heard something by 1pm today…

I’m not sure what the bad news will mean… Does it mean surgery? Does it mean more drugs? Does it mean I’m Infertile?

I have a hard time believing that I cannot have my own children. It will be very hard to get over that if this is the case.

But I am not thinking of that and I am not going there.

I am waiting for the right time when I will have my own baby and I will get pregnant and it will be this year… It’s just going to be with the help of drugs, Clomid and progesterone and maybe some baby asprin. The only sad point is I will not have a baby this year it will be in 2013… Which is fine – it’s just another year away.

I guess good things are worth the wait.

Speaking of waiting, I was walking into the waiting room at my new Dr’s this morning – and there stood a couple and they had that familiar white glossy paper dangling from her hand… The Sonographer chatting with them about making plans for the next few ultrasounds… The words “Congratulations” is said by the staff as they head out the door with their wait over, they now know they are pregnant.

They get to make plans.

I miss making plans. I miss having that feeling of protecting something so amazing growing inside of me. Why can’t that be me. It is so annoying that I think these things.  I wish I wasn’t so broken. Every time I see a new post about early pregnancy on Facebook I want to tell them they shouldn’t be so hasty because I had 4 losses… They should wait because they don’t know if it will last. I just saw a post the other night “poppy seed”. REALLY!? And this is someone that just had a little boy about a year ago… I hate that this has made me so cynical to this joy others have.

Sorry all I am having a sad day… I just want to have a baby.

Tired of this waiting game...