Symptom obession and scared...

I find myself tracking my symptoms... Every little pain, boob soreness, nausea, and tired feeling... Tracking it mentally. I had nausea yesterday on and off, but mostly off. Today my boobs don't feel as full but they are.... I'm mildly obsessing.... I wish I could try to forget all the little signs but I cannot.

Then there is the zombie like sleeping pattern I have now, that feels like my only symptom. I wake up like 2 or 3 times in the night to pee or to shift a dog off my legs. I am a great sleeper - I can sleep though anything and now, almost everything wakes me... And I usually wake every morning at 6am but these past few days it's been 4am and 5am.... I get up early but that is even too much for me... It's making the work day very long and hard. And here is the thing, I am WIDE awake. This morning was no different, 4:30, boom, I'm wake... But I managed to drift back to sleep with a snugly pug... I love my dogs.

Boobs feel full and then I think they don't.... WHY! They hurt and then they don't..... Ugh! I say this and then I continue fondling myself throughout the day. Hubs thinks this is great, asked if he could get in on the action... I shot him a glare.... he recoiled, pulled me in for a hug and reminded me it's going to be okay... no matter what...

The Nausea tends to come and go, it seems to be around after I eat. I know I should not compare this to other pregnancies but I cannot help it... But I have to say that for the most part things are about the same. I did look back on my post from 2011 when I was pregnant in September. I remarked that it was a new record 192 HCG on September 12th, which at that point was day 30 or 31 (I think?). This week I was on Day 30 when I had my beta of 127 Monday.... No idea if that matters, but because I like to take things apart and research the pants off everything… I will analyze everything.... It’s just the way it is….

One other little help, is the pee sticks. I bought a 100 pack! And I pee on one every morning.... It was sooooooo dark today, as dark as the test line....

Here I am at day 32 of my cycle, and officially "late today", 14 or 15 DPO today and I am having a Beta today at Noon.

I also read something that progesterone supplementation does not actually affect you Blood Quantity. That the number you get from the Dr's blood draw is actually not from taking extra, it is your normal number? Anyone know of any medical journals or site that explain that? I can ask the Dr today. But I just was thinking about it. I had a Dr that I loved but he was not willing to do any progesterone support, he said it was actually no help. It was a mind over matter thing. Then I thought if it's mind over matter and it does no harm, then let me do it! But that is why I switched to the wonderful Dr. A. Love her.

Hubs surprised me yesterday. He said he would be happy if it were 2 in there. I was like WHAT!? Here is the guy that was adamant that one child was plenty for us and one was perfect. We could give one child so much love and support. That’s all I heard. I even had thought how selfish of me to think that we should have 2 kids, when my wonderful husband wants one, I sought common ground and decided one was fine. Now he’s wants 2! I would be happy with a healthy baby. That is all we want. We decided that was what we both wanted, regardless of one or two….. So long as they are healthy we will be so grateful.

I’m scared, thankful for the support and ready to be a little less scared…. At what point with that does that happen… don’t tell me if it’s never..  I read your blogs I know that some of you are about to give birth and you are just realizing that you are happy to be pregnant and going to finally be a mom… I know that I will never let go of the fear, but I want to know that I have compartmentalized it in a nice place that I can deal with. A place that I can look back on be glad that I was in and not a place of terror or complete fear. That is the place I want to be in…I know that will take time. I have some dates in mind when I can start doing just that but again they are just numbers, dates… When I (we) can be excited, and when I can actually enjoy a part of this little life that has chosen me for a 9 month stay.

Please let this be the time…… please…. I am so scared.

 

As I wrote this, I had not felt really sick in a few days, Monday was really the first day and last time I felt sick. I just ate a banana and felt a little sick after... I guess that's not normal for a non pregnant person... but then again I fine the next minute......

 

Ahahahahahahahahhahahaha mind Effing fun continues.